Past confessions (old news now!)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You Live & You Learn (esp with guys) - Part 2

Friends who were there to witness what happened still have their mouths hanging open with surprise and people I tell the break-up to think it’s so dramatic it’s made up! Anyway here is part 2:

One night while I was with T on a date, my phone rang and it was a private number. Everyone knows private numbers = trouble. But everyone also knows curiosity = pick up. I picked up and a female demanded I put T on the phone. Naturally I got pissy because you can’t call MY phone, hide behind a private number, act rude and expect me to take it. I gave her a piece of my mind before I passed the phone to T. When he said ‘Hello’, she hung up.  Red flag! I asked him who it was, and he said he had no idea and that maybe it was my friends playing pranks on me. None of my friends are losers to do that, but I eventually dropped the topic because I wasn’t in the mood to argue.

A week later:  My phone rings and this time a number showed up.  I picked up and whoever it was hung up. When I called back right away, a female answered and claimed she’d called a wrong number. Joker (a good guy friend who is a hardcore player) told me it was ‘the other chick’ and either she was trying to ‘gauge’ what type of person I was, or she was vindictive and got pleasure out of tormenting me. He told me to be ‘nicer’ to her if I wanted answers. Following day while at work, the same number called me three times. I didn’t pick up because I take my professional life seriously, and taking emotional calls at work is career suicide.  The mistake I made was to text T telling him that after work I was coming over to his house to get to the bottom of these calls.

After work, I went to his house. First thing: took his phone and dialed the ‘mysterious’ number to see if it was saved and a name would show up. Nothing came up (obviously he would’ve had the chance to delete it because of my text).  Second thing:  called the number on speakerphone. When the female picked up I asked her who she was and why she kept calling me if it was ‘a wrong number’. She got all rude, and after going at it back and forth, I realized we were going in circles, so I hung up. I asked T if he recognized the voice or the number and he told me he didn’t. At this point I was fed up, so I left. I told him never to call me again unless he had solid answers for me. Of course he called me on my way home but at the point I had lost all patience.

Next morning at 6am, I woke up to a private number calling me.  Annoyed I picked up and told the female that if she wasn’t going to have a ‘woman to woman’ conversation, she had no business calling me.  That’s when she started talking. She claimed she called the day before (while I was at work) to tell all, but I hadn’t picked up. T had told her after that I’d call her that night (guess he knew because of the text I sent him) and if she said a word, he would beat her up (and she started crying). Obviously that made me skeptical because T NEVER shown violent traits towards me… even when we argued, he'd NEVER called me names or been disrespectful.  I listened either way.  Turns out they met two months after T and I started dating and had an on-off relationship since – most of the time they were broken up. She claimed he abused her emotionally and physically, and that their relationship was ‘friends with benefits’. He refused to bring her around his family and they had never really gone out on dates. She claimed there was a time when he had broken up with her saying he had found the love of his life (me), and that he couldn’t go on cheating… but weeks after, he said me and him broke up. Her story became more believable when she started told me things about him few would know.  Her time lines also matched up. She named specific events that had happened, and that she knew there was ‘someone’ else because weekends and evenings he suddenly became impossible to get in touch with (that’s when he was with me).  The most disturbing part: she named specific Sundays and asked if I had gone to church with T those Sundays. T and I had this thing where we’d go to his church together on Sundays, but on some Sundays I’d choose to either go with fam to my regular church, or not go at all. Turns out those Sundays I didn’t go he took her to the SAME church…. (I know right?!!!!).

She asked if I was the girl she told off on the phone months before when I called him  or if I was the girl who sent him a text asking him if he was going to ‘propose to someone else in Niagara’ -  I said ‘no’ and she said that meant there were more females in the picture.  She claimed a month or so before, he had started talking marriage and moving out with her…  and to top it all off, that she was pregnant! We talked on the phone for hours, and at the end, she asked me not to tell him we spoke because he would kill her (literally).

I remember for days after that I was a walking zombie… shocked wouldn’t even begin to describe it. I didn’t shed a tear for weeks, and when I did, it was over the situation, and not over him (not sure if that makes sense?). Obviously I didn’t believe everything she said, but there was def some truth to it. How could someone have two sides that are such opposites? I asked Joker what to make of it all, and he told me it’s obvious I was ‘wifey’… the one he wanted to be with permanently and that’s why I got the ‘princess’ treatment. Joker claimed the other chick(s) were his side hos that he didn’t put much effort into and that’s why (combined with my naivetĂ©)  I never caught onto his cheating (he claims guys get caught when they go the ‘extra’ mile for the side chick: for example, if he goes the ‘extra mile’ and takes her out on dates.. he’d most likely be caught or if he went the ‘extra mile’ and bothered with consistent texts and calls.. he’s most likely get caught etc) . Joker said T probably started with the marriage/moving out thing with the side chick because he sensed that I wasn’t there to stay and he wanted a plan B before leaving me (if he did), or he wanted to keep the side chick around by making empty promises.

I’ll have to do another post because this is only the beginning – it gets more dramatic. ***Part three coming soon with the confrontation, and what happened after****

Friday, June 24, 2011

You Live & You Learn (esp with guys) - Part 1

The main reason why I blog is because it helps me grow as a person. There's something about putting thoughts in writing (and not hiding them) that is liberating. To me, I'm evolving because I couldn't be bothered if someone out there judges. I've noticed the happiest people in this world live free of unnecessary fear about what others think of them: they are happy because they aren't unnecessarily living their lives for others, but for the values that keep them true to themselves. Just a thought...

Eitherway, here is the moment you've been waiting for boys and girls! The first guy confession!! This one will be about my ex (we'll call him T) because the whole break-up is still fresh...

EVERYONE who knows me says I have a 'type' I date that I need to step away from. Look-wise: they are good-looking, muscular, clean-cut, tattooed... swag on point! Personality-wise: they have a bad boy demeanor, but I tap into their vulnerable, funny, laid-back side. That's the summarized version of 'my type' and funny thing is it's by fluke that I end up dating them - I don't consciously go looking for them. Spring last year, my girl and I were in my car at a McDonald's parking lot stuffing our faces with food from drive-thru and deciding what to do rest of the afternoon. I remember looking up ahead and voilĂ ! There he was, looking so damn good, all swagged up... and better yet walking towards my car. We locked eyes which gave him the green light so when he reached his destination (which was his car that was ironically parked right next to mine), he motioned for me to open my car window and started talking to me. We chatted, exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. In retrospect, I wish that's where it ended! 

I didn't expect to hear from him for a few days, but a few hours later that same afternoon he called me. Of course I didn't pick up the first time, but 30 minutes later he called again. To cut a long story short, we went from talking on the phone to hanging out everyday. Background info on him: He was my age, owned a trucking company, had a 4 year old son (red flag), dropped out of school (red flag), and was very dependant on his well-off parents (red flag). Why red flags? 1) No offense to anyone but I swore I would NEVER date anyone with a child that's not mine - if I was older, yes, but right now I'm not ready for that responsibilty, plus that means there's a baby moms lurking in the background somewhere... definitely not ready! 2) I'm big on education, and right or wrong, I look for the same in a partner. Obviously your education doesn't define smarts, but as an individual he was hard to have intellectual conversations with sometimes. 3) I like a man who makes his own money.. I don't care if you're Bill Gate's son.. I want to see that you have the drive to support yourself. With all these things I was skeptical about (plus the fact that there were other potential guys in the pic at the time) why did I choose to date him? The answer is simple but stupid... He lived 15 minutes from my house, and at the time I had just finished undergrad (hadn't started my Masters yet), and was still looking for a job so I had lots of time on my hands. He was fun to be around and our personalities clicked from day one so at the time, he was the perfect company to kill time with. From day one, I always knew he wasn't 'the one', but I figured 'I'm still young and carpe diem'!

Eventually we became inseparable and started dating. Midway through summer, I started working so I didn't have as much free time, but we still saw each other every day because we grew thisclose.  I was genuinely happy with him  but I noticed he was more 'into it' than I was. He introduced me to his whole fam, brought me around his friends where he'd 'brag' about me, started talking marriage, us moving in together and opening joint accounts etc. It bugged me because I knew he wasn't 'the one' but I still loved him enough to want him around (selfish, I know). I never introduced him to my fam because I knew my dad  was picky and would NEVER approve of him (the education and child 'issue'... plus by end of summer his trucking company went under so he was unemployed!). I avoided bringing him around my friends because they didn't like him (they caught bad vibes off him and they felt I could do better). I didn't want to move in with him and I sure as hell didn't want to marry him! In fact, new years he booked us a luxury suite overlooking Niagara Falls for the whole weekend and I knew he was going to propose because of hints he'd dropped. For example, before the trip when we were in the mall, he dragged me into jewellery stores and asked me to show him rings I liked so 'he'd get an idea of my taste'. To get out of the proposal, I picked an argument just before the Niagara trip and concluded the argument with 'we still need a lot of work'. We still went to Niagara, but I was so glad when he whipped out a bracelet as a gift instead. 

I felt SOOO guilty because we were getting close to the one-year mark of dating and I still didn't see him as 'the one.' I loved him, but not as a life partner. I had hoped that his infatuation with me would lessen with time, but it didn't. I felt bad because I was leading him on. I wanted to tell him that I didn't see 'us' as long-term, but I knew he would break up with me (or if not, the way he treated me would change). Selfish I know, but I liked what we  had too much to let it go. So there I was, battling with whether to tell him or not. Then lo and behold, the relationship took a weird twist when I got a phone call one day....

*part two coming soon*


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A simple (but deep) father's day reflection...

Father's day I woke up 7am to my stepmom asking if I could drive everyone to church. She is recovering from fibroid surgery so she can't drive her car, and apparently my dad was going to work (on father's day!!).  My two brothers are too young to drive. My church has two services: 9:15am and 11:15am.  My fam always insists on 9:15am service which I'll never understand since it's not like God will disappear after 9:15am. It's not that I didn't want to go - it's just that it was so. darn. early!! I wanted to say no and make up an excuse, but I would've felt guilty so I dragged myself out of bed and made sure to clean my car before my stepmom went inside (my car is the 'party car' whenever I go out with friends and I drive...enough said!).

In retrospect I'm glad I went! The pastor's message hit home, and by the end of the service I was pretty much in tears. My dad is an amazing man and I don't know where I would be without him. 

My parents ended their 12 year marriage when I was 13. We had just moved to Canada and my mom left for South Africa where she is a professor. See my mom was always a career-oriented woman and my dad the family-oriented one.  My dad assumed the role of a single father long before my parents divorced and I know it hasn't been easy for him. For example, my dad was there my first day of school while my mom was away doing a 2-year Masters in another country. After the divorce, I saw my dad struggle to put food on the table  for me and my little brother because when my mom left, we were barely settled in Canada. My dad is an engineer by profession, but after the divorce he sacrificed career advancements to raise me and my brother.  It would've been so much easier for us to move back to Zimbabwe where all the family assets were but my dad insisted that we stay in Canada for a better future for me and my brother. I also admire him because it must've been hard to raise a teenage daughter (considering that he never even had sisters!), and my brother who at the time was only 5 years old  (we all know small kids need a lot of attention).

At the end of the day, he did well. I turned out just fine (I think!). I remember our awkward 'stay away from boys' talks, the times he was always on my back about curfew and grades, the times he would tell me to go back and change out of some of the clothes I wore, the times he would help me with my homework, the times when he would do house chores and cook, the times when he would give me advice and encourage me when I was ready to give up...the list goes on. I can honestly look back and say there was never a moment where I needed my dad, and he wasn't there... and all the while he never once said a negative thing about my mom to me (I later got to hear my mom's side of the story). My senior year of high school, my dad re-married. I've never liked my stepmom... but for him,  I've tolerated her all these years. She had a son  from a previous relationship that my dad embraces as his own (sad thing is my stepmom doesn't treat me and my bro with the same unconditional love). As I was sitting in church, I was in tears because not everyone has a father as loving as mine who is forever sacrificing for his children. The family is financially well-off now, but it comes at a price because now he travels a lot for business meetings and spends ridiculous 60+ hours a week in the office and at client sites. Even on father's day he was at work, still sacrificing....

Friday, June 17, 2011

"Business Attire"

I had a weird dream about my ex last night. I'm still yet to blog about the whole break up. It's such a long, dramatic story I'll prob have to do part 1 and part 2. Next week... I promise :)

Yesterday at the end of a staff meeting at work, the boss mentioned that we should all review the corporate dress code memo that had been recently revised and sent out.  I assumed because it's summer and layers of clothing are coming off, they felt the need to reiterate the dress code. Eitherway, I finally got around to reading it, and I found it hilarious because the ONLY changes compared to the old dress code were that (and I quote word for word) "legs, if shown, should be in good repair"  ...and that "Heels shall not exceed 2 inches." Turns out this was a 'diplomatic' way of asking women who wear skirts to shave their legs and not wear heels they can't walk in!!! I'm not sure if they added this to the dress code because of one repeat offender, or if a lot of people were doing it. It's a big company so it's hard to pinpoint but whatever the case, REALLY?!?!! Maybe I'm not being open-minded but in a North American corporate environment, this should be common sense! *Chris Brown voice* "I'm done"

Thursday, June 16, 2011

She's getting married!!!!!


 Tuesday morning before work I met up with my best girlfriends from undergrad: Iman & Destiny. (To find out who they are, go to 'Meet the Characters').  It was my first time seeing them after a while because Destiny just returned from Hawaii, and Iman from North Carolina, both on vacation. Breakfast plans turned to early lunch at All-star Wing & Ribs since I got caught up in rush hour traffic and the girlies live a good 45 mins away. At lunch, Destiny whipped out her hand and announced her high school sweetheart proposed to her during their trip in Hawaii!!!!!! And let me tell you...this girl's ring is ____________  (I was going to say blinging but it deserves a better word... I'll fill in the blank when I figure it out). I had to leave early to get to work on time so I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say. I know she'll read this blog so I'll say it here:

Destiny, I'm sooooo happy for you because if there's one couple in this world that deserves to stay together forever, it's you two!! 7 years strong and still going! I can't help but think back to our crazy uni club nights, drinking nights and the girls' nights when we used to joke about who in our circle would get married first. It's actually happening now... one of us is getting married!  I admire you and Mr. because you have shown that there is hope for us all! I'm not sure if Iman mentioned but she, her mom and I had a deep convo about love and marriage earlier before we met up. We were talking about the state of the world and how hard it is to find a good, genuine guy (even the waitress at All-star mentioned that)... you are the chosen one!!! You  already have your soulmate while the rest of us are out there still kissing frogs trying to find prince charming. Congratulations!!!!!!! I can't wait for the wedding planning, the bachelorette party and the wedding speeches  xoxoxox

They will be announcing it to everyone else this Saturday at his birthday bbq. This is exciting because someone so close to me is getting married... it feels surreal.

Anyone who has ever had a close friend/family member marry will know what I mean. Marriage to me is such a big step because you're attached for life in every way possible... emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, financially, legally, socially ...you will grow old with the fucker, and you are using up the best years of your life to be with him....time you can never get back. What makes it harder is how do you differentiate between true love and an 'emotion' where you think you're in love? Ever look back at exes and laugh because at the time you thought you loved them, but in retrospect it was an 'emotion' or you 'fell out of love' if you were even in love to begin with. How do you know they will stay true to you forever emotionally and physically? Crazy stuff! That's why I admire Destiny because she's at a point where it's a bonafide true love case. They are tried and true to the core! Certified! ...and she's at a point in her life where she can honestly see herself with him forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever......

Sunday, June 12, 2011

First post ever!!

....yes I'm doing it.. I'm actually putting my life out there! I'm an introvert (kinda..) so many will be shocked by this one :)  My inspiration? Yesterday I met up with a good guy friend in downtown Toronto because he is leaving soon to teach in China for a year.. (we'll call him Chyna). Of course I was late delayed by an hour thanks to highway traffic and trying to find non-existent, overpriced parking. We hadn't hung out in months so while catching up over sushi & downtown shopping, I told Chyna about my life lately and my recent break-up. He gave me the classic 'smh' look and we joked about how funny and dramatic my life is. I joked about doing a reality show or blog.... at the point it was a joke, but umm... yeaa, less than 24 hours later, it's reality.

His trip to China (and a phone convo with one of my best girlfriends that just returned from Hawaii) brought back memories about my trip to South Africa, Botswana and Zimbabwe three months ago which I'll blog about soon.The break-up was so dramatic you can't help but laugh about it... kinda like those break-ups you'd expect to see in a movie with weird twists and turns. Keep an eye out since I'll confess the details in another post soon. Last night, instead of attending a family event/party, I got off the hook unexpectedly, and ended up doing a drive-in movie with another one of my good guy friends (we'll call him Joker because he's straight hilarious). A confession is coming up soon because Joker's girlfriend drama made me realize something about relationships. Oh, and I know you probably wonder if all these guys I've mentioned so far are just friends..the answer is YES, but there's a confession in the near future about my theory of guy/girl friendships. As you can tell, I have a lot of juicy confessions lined up (and because I'm nice, I won't use real names yet)..... keep following my blog :)